Sadness and maddening indecision

Well people, it seems that the dream is about to end. We have had a couple of weeks of real ups and downs, of not knowing if we are doing the right thing or the wrong thing, wanting SO much to stay but being so tense about dwindling finances and apprehensions.

Lauren was offered a role in a lovely wee town which we both loved, but the job description highlighted a few uncertainties since the scope of the role was vastly different to the role we know at home. Also they were really pressurising about having to have an address by the end of the week so that they could run a DBS check on her, and employment for the past five years and as well as work referees they wanted to have referees from her places of study. All this with no actual start date confirmed, and for a care assistant - not even a nursing role.

Then, we found a great flat - but the letting agent wasn't the most communicative and left us unsure whether we would be able to get the tenancy because we weren't able to complete the reference check form entirely. We said we could pay in advance to secure it and even then he wasn't very forthcoming. we spent a very stressful, tense weekend waiting to hear from him - which we didn't. When I phoned on Monday it seemed it was all ok - but he still didn't really say that without some investigative questions. 

The flat was unfurnished so all the"extra" money involved to just get mattresses and bits and pieces started mounting up in my mind. Lauren was still unsure about the job and then I got an interview for a role in Ipswich....so then we'd need a car as well since the buses aren't great from Framlingham. As it happens I missed out on the job - didn't get to interview #3. But by then all the uncertainties had really started mounting up. what if neither of us got roles, or we needed to buy a car, or we ran out of money and were unable to pay the next lump sum of rent...

I haven't been the easiest person to live with this last week and I'm surprised Lauren has hung around without completely losing her cool with me. I've been moody and teary, and changed my mind over and over again.

We stopped this morning on the way to Ipswich with some boxes which are heading home with excess kilos to take photos of this sunflower farm - near where we almost lived as we've meant to stop every time we drove past.

Maybe they will cheer me up a bit - and make the post seem not quite so depressing as it feels.